Florida Was Who We Thought Auburn Would Be: A Violent Team That Ran The Piss Outta The Ball

AUBURN, ALA. — I feel dead inside. What in the hell was that?

Just a piss-poor performance all around—from the board of trustees to John Cohen on down to Alex Golesh, DJ Durkin and, most certainly, the players—culminating in Florida 44, Auburn 39.

The score was nowhere near indicative of the ass-whooping Florida laid on Auburn at Pat Dye Field before a packed Jordan-Hare crowd and a national prime-time television audience.

Truly an all-time bitter L.

Just when you thought we had escaped the Alcatraz of Suck, the coach Auburn was set to hire before the board of trustees fumbled the bag unleashed his Gators on our Tigers in embarrassing fashion.

I very seriously doubt you want me reminding you of all the ways Florida manhandled Auburn. Wanting the specifics of the nightmare retold would be like asking a butcher to rehash his latest slaughter.

It was a bloodbath.

To summarize without emptying out the Morton’s, there are 60 minutes in a college football game, and Florida’s offense possessed the football for 40 of them.

Prior to Saturday night, Auburn fans had hope. After two failed hires in Bryan Harsin and Hugh Freeze, they thought the third time would certainly be a charm with Alex Golesh. After all, he preached Dye-isms like playing with violence and running the piss out of the ball. Auburn fans could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Unfortunately, that light came from an oncoming locomotive named Jon Sumrall and the Florida Gators.

And Auburn was the damsel in distress tied to the railroad tracks.

Golesh and his star quarterback, Byrum Brown, were supposed to be the saviors.

“Competent offense combined with Durkin’s dependable defense,” they said.

Florida finished 4-8 in 2025. Auburn’s record wasn’t much better, ending at 5-7. Both institutions fired their head coaches before Florida hired Sumrall from Tulane and Auburn hired Golesh from USF.

Sumrall brought just two players with him from Tulane: his kicker and punter. Golesh thought 13 of his former Bulls were SEC-caliber players, so he brought them with him to the Plains.

Florida reportedly spent $31 million to $41 million on its roster, while Auburn was projected to have spent $31 million to $35 million.

The matchup was supposed to be a toss-up, with Vegas tabbing Florida as a 2.5-point favorite, but the actual game was anything but. The only violent team running the piss outta the ball Saturday night was the boys from Gainesville.

Auburn tacked on a late touchdown, but it was the equivalent of trying to clean up a murder scene before there were any more witnesses. The damage had already been done.

You might convince the casual observer that this was a competitive game and that there are positives for Auburn to take away from it—but Auburn fans have been drinking from that same jug of orange Kool-Aid for the last five seasons.

After witnessing the latest debacle, this Auburn fan’s next cup of Kool-Aid might as well come from Jim Jones.